in an instant

Last night my daughter took a tumble and landed teeth first into the leg of a chair. I know. Ouch. The incident had all the makings of a total emergency room disaster. But we were lucky enough to avoid that. Thankfully. But, there was the fear, some pain, tears (no blood believe it or not) and a front tooth that was knocked back just enough to make my little girl look totally different than she did not a minute before the fall. And from what I can tell, the displaced tooth is either staying right where it is for a while or it’s getting pulled. This is yet to be decided as we have a dentist appt on Monday to get an x-ray and assessment. At this point, I am thankful. It could have been worse. A lot worse. But even still, the whole ordeal has left me shaken.

I am the mom who will forever try to convince you that I’m OK with my kids growing up. And I am. Most of the time. I feel like now that my kids are independent and much more self-sufficient I am a better mother than I was in the early days of total dependence. I recognize how much I need my own autonomy and how much I enjoy time to myself. But this whole tooth thing has been a wake-up call.

I look at my daughter today and see a different girl. A growing, changing girl. It might sound dramatic and I realize that part of her metamorphosis is the fact that she’s swollen and somewhat discolored by the inevitable bruising but even when that fades, her tooth is still in a new place and it’s changed the way she’s always looked. Sure she’s going to be loosing her teeth in the next year or so anyway—my husband keeps reminding me—but somehow I realized that part of me is in no way ready for it. I am not ready to let my baby grow up.

The emotions I have experienced over the last 24 hours have blindsided me. I didn’t feel melancholy when she started Kindergarten a few months ago, so why now? I guess there’s just no way of knowing exactly what it is that reaches in and finds our most tender spots, our soft parts, the place in our heart that aches with the pain of life’s losses. Although this is a small scale loss (very small I know), I feel that ache deeply today.

There might not be another photograph I take of my daughter where she looks like she did 2 days ago. That’s a strange and surreal thought. More than anything I am grateful for the photos I have already captured, the ones that will always remind me of my babies, my children as they were, as they are and as they will never be again. Photographs are the only history we have besides our memories and our stories and it just reminds me that I will never regret a single picture I ever take. In fact, I will only celebrate them more.

Comments

[Marcie]

Things can..and often do change in an instant. It's bot a mother's greatest joy and worst nightmare all in the same breath. Good to hear your daughter's okay..altho a little worse for wear.

On a totally different magnitude. One minute they were silently swimming...the next?:
http://bravo.unisonplatform.com/~marciesc/index.php?showimage=608

[Jen - Beebee Mod]

Seriously...I get this post in so many ways.

[Amy]

preserve your memories they're all that's left you:) reminds me of that old Simon and Garfunkel tune...Hope your baby will be ok...they do grow so fast.

[MelodyA.]

Just last night my 4yo stated that she was ready to give up her blanket, her "nigh nigh" blanket, the blanket she asks for when she gets hurt before she asks for me, to the blanket fairy. We've talked about the blanket fairy and how if you put your blanket under the pillow the blanket fairy will come and take it and leave a nice surprise. She had never liked the idea, until yesterday for some reason. But as soon as she said it, I felt sick to my stomach. I can't imagine my baby with no blanket. It's such a symbol of everything she has been up til now. Needless to say, I talked her out of it. I had to.

I hope your baby recovers quickly.

[emily@chattingatthesky]

My sister and I lived within walking distance and she and her family moved away last summer. My husband left his previous job to start a new one in the same month of their move.I was dry eyed during most of that transition. But after the season finale of LOST aired, I cried like a baby.

Ridiculous? Absolutely. But I'm with you: sometimes the big events are too big to connect with emotionally and then something happens to trigger the tears.Great post.

[Gardenmama]

I completely and totally understand, except that my daughter's tooth actually did come out. My sweet, gentle 2 year old fell and hit her mouth on the end table and knocked her tooth out. It took me several days to mourn that tooth, to realize that she will have a hole in her mouth now for years until her adult tooth comes in, and to just get used to seeing every picture of her now with a hole in her mouth. Granted it is a side tooth, and most people don't even realize it's missing until she laughs big, but Mama notices every time. Here is what I blogged about it when it happened, with pictures: http://wwwsunshinethroughthewindows.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-poor-little-girl.html

[Jodyangel]

Hey Tracy, wait til you look at your children and see adults! Whew! When I cry now when I think on the years that are now past and beyond my reach..except thru my photo's. I so wish I could relive them.

So treasure the moments. And keep snapping. Because honestly you will stop time in those pictures and will be able to step back in time with them someday.

Christmas card 1987
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jodyangel/3071324940/

[megan]

oh tracey, what lovely post. so often it takes a single event for us to realize how hard it is to watch our children grow up. so rewarding, but so difficult.

[Amy]

Oh, how I get this post. I am feeling like this a lot lately and never thought I would be one of those moms that would feel like this.

My son knocked his tooth once and it actually turned a little gray and stopped growing. It was one of his front teeth so it really bothered me, but now it is endearing to see his little smile like that. The dentist said that sometimes when they knock their tooth that it makes the tooth actually hang on longer so don't be surprised if that is the last tooth to leave the nest ;)

Love your blog- just discovered it!

[anita]

I thought that I was ok, even looking forward to my daughters growing up...until they did. During the hardest of it for me (not for them they were always great kids) a dear friend/surrogate mother told me "Motherhood is the only relationship in the world where the ultimate goal is to create distance" That statement shocked me into a new way of thinking about it. Now my daughters are 20 and have just moved to California, I spent my first Thanksgiving without them this week, it was hard, but I know that this distance is a part of their journey, they are growing into the women they are suppose to be and in the sadness on Thursday (ok the whole week leading up to Thursday) there was also pride and joy. You can see a photo of my pride and joys all grown up at the bottom of this post

http://anitaroachphotography.blogspot.com/2008/11/post-it-like-you-stole-it.html

[LindseYaya]

I know what you are feeling. I really do KNOW that feeling. My son had a front.teeth.trama last year when he was two. I was hanging the last few ornaments on the tree, talking to him, then forward he fell hitting the edge of the dining room table. There was blood. There was a frantic emergency room visit. There were two 'missing' teeth. I was a shadow of a mom for days... weeks even. When I looked at him, I realized how limited my scope of protection was for him as he grew. I could protect him from many many things... but not ALL things. He was growing and changing inspite of my best efforts to keep him safe.and.sound.for.now. I doubted so much of my ability and was sad at how time propelled me forward no matter how much I was content with today. *Of all the experiences so far in my journey of motherhood, this one was by far the most sobering.* That being so- I am counting my blessings. So, I know that 'jolt' you are trying to put words to... Time and the lifestyle of motherhood will dilute these prickly feelings. Promise. *Thanks for sharing.

[donna]

Having recognized their independence increasing every year I decided to really embrace and enjoy every moment. There are some experiences that I can't share with them as they grow but there are others that I can. This weekend we had our first snowfall of the winter so we all piled outside and made a snow fort together and had snow ball fights...and of course I took my camera to record every moment.

http://lemondingo.blogspot.com

Donna

[Loran]

My girls are 17 and 19. Sometimes I really miss having them little. Sometimes I love having mature conversations with them. It's a bittersweet experience raising children filled with joy and sorrow.

Be thankful it was just a small accident! Life truly changes in every instant.

[Gayle]

Oh Tracey, you have put this feeling of having our babies grow up so beautifully. My oldest is almost 16 and seeing how fast the years have gone with him, I want to hold on to my 13 and 11 year olds so much tighter. I know I can't, time keeps going on. I will enjoy the process of them growing into adulthood, and I will take as many photos as possible. They help keep the beautiful memories of my children at all of the different stages of childhood fresh.

[gardenymph]

Very touching, and so very true. Glad it wasn't worse, and hope that she recovers quickly,

Beautiful thoughts, thank you.

[Lu]

Good to hear se is fine for the most part. I can relate to your babies growing up and how it hits you when you least expect it to.

[Marcy]

I was just marveling the other day at how grateful I am that my husband and I bought our slr when we did (a few months before our son's birth, this past february). I am so, so grateful for the incredible photos it has allowed me to take, the moments and details I have captured and stored away as he changes and grows at lightning speed. I've been keeping up a 365 project for his first year, and will make it into a book in a few months when he turns one. It's staggering. I may joke about the ungodly number of pictures I take of him, but I know I'll be glad to have those thousands of memories stored away when I can hardly recall them by memory anymore.

[katef]

Ah yes... I know how all that feels.
One of my twin girls knocked her three front teeth out and broke part of her palate October last year... it saw us in the ER and then to surgery but the most dramatic part of all of it was how suddenly changed she was. Yes her looks changed (my twins are no longer identical - though I never thought they looked that much alike!) but that was the just the catalysis to me suddenly noticing so many differences.... I still can't put into words how marked that day in our lives was - it seems so silly really - after all they are only teeth, they will grow back, all the surgery and dentists visits when well... it was a minor accident in the scheme of things....

[Karen Cage]

Okay, I know the tooth wasn't really about the tooth, but what the tooth symbolizes. Regardless, remind me to tell you my tooth accident some time. I'm almost 50 and I'm still not sure my poor Dad has recovered . . .

I loved your post and reading your heart on this page. xo

[Mandy]

Livie chipped a front tooth about 2 years ago, and at the time the dentist said it was fine. Went back earlier this year and turned out she needed a root canal as a result of it! It was a hard ordeal to go through and she ended up with a cap....but yes, scary stuff. Hope your little one comes through fine with this. I'm just very thankful it (Livie's) was a baby tooth and not a permanent one. Well wishes being sent your little one's way!!!

[nickythomas]

oh Tracey...

big hugs xx

nicky x

[betrank]

First I hope all goes well at the dentist for your daughter.
I've been struggling with the knowledge that my guys will move on. My husband and I joke around with them a lot "Can't wait til you move out... your room is becoming a study!" They change so quickly. The reason my husband got me a camera back in 2006 was due to my constant sighing about how time flew by and how quickly not only my sons changed but how quickly my Greats were growing up. At last count I have over 7500 photos and though they aren't masterpieces they do hold a piece of my heart because they capture moments in a life I'm grateful for.

Your post speaks for all of us out here in so many ways.
*hugs to you and yours*

[susan]

oh bummer on the tooth incident. Similar thing happened to my youngest back in the days of film and sadly the tooth turned grey, which I guess is a tiny bit of blood that pools inside the tooth like a bruise. And back then (dang, he's only 10 now but that seems like the dark ages)....no photoshop. :-(

[Veronique]

Thanks for sharing this Tracey. Its exactly what I needed to read today. We (hubby and I) spent the last two nights up with our 2 year old son, and a croupy cough. Took him to the pediatrician this morning, and the pedi said he looked terrible, would need breathing treatments (read he'd rather have his toe nails pulled) and antibiotics, and if he wasn't better he'd be admitted to the hospital in the morning. He quizically asked why we hadn't called over the weekend. We didn't realize he was weazing that bad. (???)

Life is so precious, things change on a dime, it absolutely takes my breath away. Scares the crap out of me. I kept if only I had known that this was how things were going to unfold, last week I would have done things differently.

So I am there with you. I am so so so there with you. I get it. O how I totally get it.

Veronique

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

I know exactly what you mean! Declan lost both his 2 front teeth on the same day and I pretty much freaked!!!

Hope she is OK. And awesome shot as always.

[spread your wings]

I hope your daughter will be fine. It's scary when these things happen.
my only child just moved away from home to start college - i miss my little girl but enjoy the young woman she is becoming. it's so hard letting go but it's a joy to watch the way she is maturing and becoming an independent woman. i look at photos of her when she was young - changing year by year - i cherish every one of those photos and memories but look forward to making new memories with her as she becomes an adult child and we share a different sort of relationship - she is a my everything.

[Sarah @ Fighting Windmills]

Tracey, you wrote me (in a comment on my blog) about this accident. I felt the same way when my daughter's teeth turned yellow from her first fall, and then when one had to come out after a second fall. I mourned the way she used to look. I understand that feeling!

How did it go at the dentist's office? How is your daughter's tooth doing now?

[Maya Laurent]

I remember my mom saying this when my brother had a horrible accident and he had a permanent scar. She constantly reminds me to take photos all the time because one day, as I sit a night before his wedding or another major event, I'll be looking through all of them in tears. So true, thank you for the reminder.

[katherine center]

I am so right there right now! Thank you for putting words to it. Beautiful.

[Cristina]

I am so, SO thankful that I came across this post tonight...we are coming up on the one year anniversary (?) of my son knocking out one of his front teeth. He was 21 months old and he took a very unlucky spill. It shook me to my core and I am realizing that in many ways I still have not recovered.

Thank you for your honesty.