what i see when i see myself

"Cadence, tell your mom it's okay for her to have her picture taken sometimes..." (spoken by my wise and dear friend Gabo before I surrendered the camera for this shot)

You never did like having your picture taken. I think that's one of the reasons you became a photographer, so that you can hide behind your camera, so that you could be the one in control of whose photo gets taken and when. Those days are over now because you have fallen into a circle of friends who love to take your camera out of your hands and turn the lens on you for a change, friends who have welcomed and embraced you and gently pried your fingers away from your eyes as they became your mirror, reflecting back to you who you really are.

So tell me. What do you see in yourself, now that the scales have fallen away from your eyes? Yes, I know it's hard to admit, it feels strange to say it, but go ahead. No one's judging you here.

I...am...torn, but mending...hurt, but healing...broken, but being made whole...In fact, I'm strong...fierce, even...full of love...full of joy...full of hope...

Yes, that's a start. Keep going, don't stop now.

I...think I might be...kinda awesome?

You think?! Own it, sister!

OK...I AM pretty flippin' awesome. I have a beauty that is unique and my own. I am worthy of being loved and cherished...I am worthy of being known.

Ah, yes, that's better...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As we start a brand new year, turn your eyes (and your lens) towards yourself. What do you see, when you look deep inside and see yourself as you really are?

Comments

[Judi]

I am ME- just as I am- beautiful and battered, strong and healing. I am loving and loveable, sometimes Not so much. I question all that I am and I am my worst critic. I have come to see that there is beauty beneath the buried layers of hurt that aches to be shown, paraded, adored, appreciated, cherished. I portray this through my lens, so please keep in mind that when I bore you with my passion, I am really giving you a piece of me in disguise. Be gentle with me and love me as I am.

[Karen]

Lovely post.

[Jen at Cabin Fever]

I love turning the lens towards myself, but it doesn't always reveal who I am. I find that looking back at everything I've photographed over the last year does a better job of that. And this year I am trying something totally new where I am turning the camera to the world around me in a way that is totally new for me.

See what I mean at....
http://www.only365words.blogspot.com

[starrlife]

I get this post totally. I hate taking pics of myself and being shy, photography is perfect to hide behind. This year I will try to face myself more. Feeling good enough will be more of a challenge...
That is a stirring photo.

[Puna]

Gorgeous photo. So real.

[Gina@BellaVita]

Love this capture. It is so "real."

Gina
http://mygrandmavita.wordpress.com/

[Kathleen O.]

This was taken almost a month ago, but I never uploaded it until now. Us, after holiday fun. In it, I see myself as a keeper of tradition, a guardian of a little soul, a comforter, a mom.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ko2008/5316184042/

[FireMom]

I'm working really hard on seeing myself as the strong, independent, intelligent, BEAUTIFUL woman that I am. I think 2011 is my year.

[rawqueenr]

You are right! It's so rare I end up on the other side of the lens. Especially now that my father (the family documentarian) has passed away and passed the helm to me. So New Years eve I snapped a shot and actually posted it. I am determined, creative, inspired, loving, loyal and occasionally, very, very funny.
http://somethingblu.wordpress.com/2011/01/01/happy-new-year-revolutions-from-the-rock/

[leigh]

this is something that i struggle with often, thank you for this reminder...

[kristin]

so needed sarah
SO needed.
thank you.
i wish to be braver

http://www.flickr.com/photos/14811117@N02/5312911539/in/photostream/

[camerashymomma]

yes!! love this photo sarah, this truth.
last october a photographer friend of mine put me infront of the lens, and i found a bit of my own truth there.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/camerashymomma/5055590158/

this, being seen by someone else. allowing myself to be seen by someone who is close to me, is another story. {when i say allowing it’s more than just ‘yea sure, you can take my picture’ or ‘oh man, he’s got a camera pretend you don’t notice’} this, this knowingly handing my nikon over for her to use at her request, is more along the lines of ‘i am no actress and so i’m freeing my insecurities to just be myself and let you document it’ … you see, there is trust there. trust that the photographer sees you as you see yourself. as you feel in your skin. even without enough notice to primp or actually comb your hair. this feeling of who we are sometimes does or sometimes does not come across in photos. photography is mostly optical illusion. but this, dare i say, is real life.

[Mira]

oh yes. I totally hear you. and I get the "squirmyness" of seeing yourself. And the beauty and power of it too. Wrote this blog post in early December, Seeing Self.

http://thislovelymoment.wordpress.com/2010/12/06/seeing-self/

Thank you shutter sisters, for being an encouraging and inspiring space. If it wasn't for SS, i wouldn't have had the courage to write the post and post the picture.

[francie]

I am overwhelmed by your courage, Sarah Jane.

[Brenda]

If one were to look at our vacation photos, it would seem as if I wasn't there. Our daughter realized that I wasn't in a single photo from our vacation last summer. I do need to allow myself to be photographed more. I had to make a deal with my hubby - no more rear end photos (he always captures me from behind and they are the most unflattering photos ever!). Once he agreed to no more rear-end photos, he took this one of me (and it's one of my favorites ever). I love the beauty of nature and winter where I live and I think that shows in this.

http://www.pbase.com/skiingrn1/image/121740996

[Katy]

Thanks Sarah, we all needed that today. After a year of being physically battered by chemo & then another year of allowing a horrid boss emotionally batter me, I am struggling to find the me I am now. I've done selfs for 2 years now, tracking the changes over the course of treatment, and I almost didn't do any this year. But now, after reading your post I think I'm going to keep it up... but in a different way & with new fresh eyes. Thank you again for lifting us all up this morning!

[sarahb]

You know what is so amazing...that each person that posted a shot of themselves IS BEAUTIFUL, I'm not sure why any of you wouldn't want your photo taken more!!!!!!!!!!!

[Debby]

I loved this post and can totally relate.
I also hide behind the lens, but in 2010 I made a conscious effort and start coming out in front of the lens and even did a photoshoot with a friend who is also a photographer. I loved the pictures he took of me. I still don't completely like being in front of the lens, but I am adjusting. I do step in front of the lens every now and then and get my picture taken with a friend or family member.

[xanthe]

wonderful post! thanks for the reminder to be brave as it's so easy to stay behind the lens. happy new year :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/xantheberkeley/5317171979/

[Jess]

I love this picture and I was SO inspired...

AAAAAHHHHHHH...here it is...

http://jessicavescera.blogspot.com/2011/01/me.html

[patti]

great post. Thank you so for asking, Sarah. Yes. I am kinda awesome. I've made lots of people happy with my photos and i'm just getting started. I still haven't figured out the f-stop, shutter speed dance but I can make people cry.

Thanks to shutter sisters, i created a 2010 recap in pictures. as i was showing it for the first time, i actually said aloud, 'is it okay to end it with me...it's such a great picture?" How's that for "squirmyness? Thanks for that word, Mira. Yes, it's okay to end with us and start with us. at least on this site.

It's a brand new day/year: Naps, new hats, green grass and personal sunshine for all! http://www.vimeo.com/18343985
http://www.flickr.com/photos/stakos/5259237193/

[Kat]

Beautifully timed, Sarah-Ji. And so perfectly said!
When I look at my face I see what Rilke described as "shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself ready to cope."
http://isawyoudancing.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-year-gentle-beginnings.html
But then, he goes on to say, "But only someones who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive and will himself draw exhaustively from his own existence."
This is why the word I have chosen to travel with me through 2011 is "worthy" and I see myself tentative of the process but hopeful of what I will find along the way.

[Olaf]

Kinda awesome is an understatement. Love you Sarah!

[Heather]

So many brave women! I tried, I really did . . . this is what I came up with:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/36491030@N02/5317999883/

But today, I will try again. This time I will practice being vulnerable and see what shows up in the lens!

[gis]

I have always loved to hide behind the lens, but I also like a lot to play by myself and with myself with the camera. Hence my many years lasting project of taking a picure of myself with friends (and they are all printed out). Also, sometimes I like to make funny photos of myself, to document some special moments, or just to have fun! Usually I don't make them public, but this year I decided to be a bit more corageous.... This is my playful side!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/16853210@N05/5178621849/in/set-72157622487312458/

[Julie Alvarez]

Here I am, turning the lens towards me in the finishing year, and in the beginning one:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/juliealvarez/5312113969/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/juliealvarez/5309966316/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/juliealvarez/5309990544/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/juliealvarez/5321502658/

[leslie]

I love you Sara-ji. Happy you're bogging again. I've missed you.
Loved this entry, because you are absolutely correct and it's so nice to hear a woman loving herself exactly as she is....you're daughter will surely benefit from that;)

Also, my NYR was to do a daily photo journal and I turn the camera on myself daily....I suppose it's my own way of getting into self-acceptance and adoration. Why not?

Xo-
oh, will you please visit my blog and check it out...I need readers!
Leslie

[Amy]

I love coming across this right now. I just posted a shot of myself six weeks post-mastectomy, and wrote about rejecting shame. Most responses have been positive, but not everyone is up for so much reality, as I learned from a recent comment. I have to admit, it shook me to see it. But this helps. Glad I found you. Thank you.

(the post I'm talking about is here: http://babiesornot.blogspot.com/2011/01/brazen.html )

[Heather]

Ok. Back again with a self-portrait that also reflects my "one word" for the year -- grow. Oh my. Any self-portrait is an exercise in personal growth for me!

http://mamamutterings.blogspot.com/2011/01/grow.html