Her Camera

Three years ago I picked up a camera with one goal in mind. We were starting a family and was determined to avoid paying a professional photographer to take photos that I thought I could learn to achieve on on my own. I was quickly bitten by the photography bug and when we fell pregnant on Mother’s Day 2009 everything seemed to be falling into place. I was gifted a brand new Nikon d90 and upon the baby’s arrival I was confident I’d be able to capture beautiful squishy newborn portraits of our bundle of joy.

 I never expected that things would go terribly wrong.

 At our 20 week sonogram a red flags were raised and we were alarmingly referred to a high risk practice to have them investigated. The vivid memories of our trip to that high risk office will haunt me until the day I die. The technician called us back and rushed us through a series of sonogram photos. She was rough on my belly, she pressed a little to intensely, I could feel our baby kick the technician back as if staying “Stop!”. I wanted her to stop too. Finally she left. Minutes dragged on like hours.

Then, the doctor finally walked in and broke the silence with 5 little words that would change our world forever: “Your baby has multiple problems”.

Without stopping for air, he continued to spout out medical jargon about this syndrome and that syndrome. Things we had never even heard of before. He listed off the numerous organs our baby was missing one by one. So cold. So heartless. We left the office numb, dazed, and confused. That evening, as I googled every little snippet of medical jargon our doctor threw around that day I knew what was coming next.

That's when I broke down in a river of tears for the first time.

We sought a 2nd opinion at Children’s Hospital in Washington DC where a fatal diagnosis was confirmed. Our daughter Bella’s defects were 1 in 20,000. No one expects to be the 1 in 20,000, but somehow the devastating baby loss lottery struck us at 20 weeks pregnant.

Our lives were forever changed.

Bella Rose was stillborn on September 11th, 2009. When we arrived home from the hospital empty handed and broken hearted, flowers began to arrive in mass quantities. I was looking to busy my mind and my hands and I sought a way to collect the beauty of Bella’s blooms and preserve them for when I could truly appreciate them. That’s when I remembered I had her camera. The oneI  intended to be used to to take beautiful images of newborn Bella to fill our walls with canvas and framed prints in our home.

Instead, I picked up Bella’s camera after she died and used it to capture a glimpse into my fragile heart. And then, a magical thing happened.

I discovered photography to be an incredible tool in my healing and I started to shift my perspective. I uncovered small bits of beauty in my broken world. I celebrated the little accomplishments, even something a simple as getting out of bed in the morning. I made it my daily meditation to visually express gratitude for what I did still have left in my life. I blogged images and words that revealed my most private feelings of loneliness and failure after losing an unborn child. But, I also shared how photography was allowing me to experience emotions more fully, learn about myself, and heal my soul.

Do you have a special image you’ve taken that has helped you on a healing journey? I’d love it if you’d share it here today. Let’s celebrate the magical powers of photography in soothing our souls when they are hurting.

 Guest blogger, Beryl Ayn Young, serves as chief photography muse over on her personal blog and serves as teacher of the Illuminate Photography e-course, designed especially for moms who have lost a baby due to stillbirth, miscarriage, or infant loss. She believes in nourishing the soul with lifelong learning, photographic healing, & a glass half full perspective. Beryl photography classes and mentoring aimed at teaching you how to improve your camera skills and cherish life’s journey.

Comments

[Uta]

thank you so much for sharing this.
yes. photography and the focus on everday beauty has helped me on my healing journey. and still does.
simple things fill my heart with joy.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sagresgrafix/6810838841/in/photostream/

[emma]

Thank you so much for sharing this, I can't imagine how that must have been for you. Lovely image also.

I've found photography to be incredibly healing, although I haven't been through anything like your situation, photography has lifted my spirits over the last couple of years.

[sferka]

I'm crying in front of my computer. That's my story but written by someone else! The same situtation: 2010, 20 week sonogram, multiple problems, cold and cruel diagnosis. After my baby death I spent few weeks at home, most the time alone, and then photopgraphy appeared in my life and stayed until now. It helped me to survive and turned my sad thoughts away. Big hug!

[Lisa Robinson]

Thank you for sharing photography as a tool for healing. I so appreciate this.

[Kelly kardos]

http://kelly-justaclickaway.blogspot.com/2012/02/ok-uncle-sam.html

It is with a heavy heart but with hope that you find peace in Bella's passing. I can blessedly say how fortunate I am to not deal with losing a child and chronicle it but the above link is as close as I can come. My son is serving in the middle East and everyday he's safe is a good one. Xo to you and your family
Kelly

[Jakki]

What an amazing gift you have given us in sharing a moment like this with us....

I've always had a camera in my hand...I was given my OWN, my first for just me, when i was 13. It was a hot fuschia/pink 110. But it wasnt until this moment here that I started to think more of not what I do when I take photo's but how I FEEL and how that comes across to others in my photo's.

http://asboringasitmaybe.blogspot.com/view/flipcard#!/2010/05/i-went-with-my-parents-to-visit-my.html

[Laine]

Beautiful, heart touching post. Thank you for sharing your story of healing. May you find continued comfort and healing.

[Sandee]

What a beautifully haunting image and heart-felt story. Thank you for sharing.

[Foxglove Lane]

Thank you so much, I can identify with every word. My camera has also helped me to find a way through grief. Here is a link to my series of Autumn shots on a post called " To whom are we beautiful as we go"


http://www.foxglovelane.blogspot.com/2011/11/to-whom-are-we-beautiful-when-we-go.html

[Valerie]

I'm so sorry for your loss but thank you for posting. In my early twenties my parents died in consecutive years of lengthy illnesses and I clung to photography to get me through. All the best to you.

[Shelley]

What a beautiful image and story. I am happy to hear that photography has helped you deal with your loss. I too suffered a loss, but not has severe I think as yours. The loss of a child is a difficult cross to bear and to see that you found photography as a healing tool is very inspiring - I only wish I had thought of that, but we must each heal in our own way.

Today I have found photography to be a soother in many ways. After a stressful day if I am able to pick up my camera and shoot for a few minutes I find the stress eases with each click.

Thank you for sharing.

[Heather]

Beautiful image.. and practice. My heart breaks for you. I am sending you continued healing xo

[Katie Schomberg]

This just happened to my dear friend in October of last year. I had shown up to photograph the birth of their first baby...and the sweet John Henry died due to "cord accident". Devastating...sigh... It has been incredible to be apart of something like this...good and hard. I see what a blessing that little person was...even though he was only here for 9 months. As hard as it has been to grieve with my sweet friend and her loving husband...God has used even this for His glory. I was able to capture the only photographs they have of their baby...and that I am thankful. Praying for you even now. This is one of the hardest things to watch...go through...experience in any kind of manner. I don't think one ever "gets over" this loss...but somehow you are able to continue...and hopefully bless others in your story. Your photograph is amazingly beautiful...thank you for sharing. xoxoxo...katie

[Spyros Heniadis]

The power of photography is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Beryl]

Thank you to each and every one of you for lifting me up today. I so appreciate your love, kindness, and support as I shared Bella's story. It's amazing what the power of photography can do to heal the soul. xoxo. -beryl

[thomas]

Thank you to each and every one of you for lifting me up today. I so appreciate your love, kindness, and support as I shared Bella's story.

[Helene]

I'm finding it hard to express the deep feelings that surface from this post. Thank you so much for sharing.
The camera is an amazing extension of ourselves. It often lets us see things that others don't and teaches us to look further beyond the surface of life. It is an anchor during the storms that crash against our lives. Peace and joy to you and yours!

[Puna]

Oh your heartbreak is in a way a majestic help for those of us who reads this.

[Puna]

Oh your heartbreak is in a way a majestic help for those of us who reads this.

[Holly {Soupatraveler}]

thank you for this emotiona and moving post. i've found that when i start going "underground" i take fewer and fewer self-portraits which is usually a red flag for me to start taking them, to get out of my head. I shot this one last night, breaking the dry spell once again. http://www.flickr.com/photos/soupatraveler/6889497061/ thank you for this : )

[kristin]

thank you for this.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/14811117@N02/5631780408/