"you without the story of you"


The other day my friend was talking about the idea of declaring each year "The Year Of _____________". Sometimes it's a resolution in January. Somtimes it's an observation at the end of a year: "The Year of Change", "The Year of Healing", even something simple like "The Year of Getting Ready". She talked about how much changed for her friend one year just by making the committment to get dressed every day. I'm not sure how I'd describe 2010 yet. But if I had to define my last year, that's easy. It was "The Year of Twenty Pounds". The longer version would be "The Year of Doing Nothing But Work and Self Medicate with Food". Or so I thought until I read Women Food and God and then realized that I self medicate with much more: the computer, TV, phone, work, shopping, my children's activities, friendships... you name it.
I ended up finishing the book in two days and colored it completely yellow. Seriously. By the last chapter, my highlighter was out of ink. And the surprising thing was that it wasn't really about weight loss. It was about all the methods we use to escape or soothe ourselves from (the perceived pain of, or boredom with) the present moment. By eating, drinking, exercising, whining, dreaming, computer-ing, working, talking, obsessing, judging, worrying, controlling... whatever it may be. We love to say that it's important to "celebrate the moment". But most of us will do almost anything to get away from it. It's like my habit of compulsively pushing the button on the car radio: Not this song. Not this one. Nope. Next. Next. This one's okay but there might be something better. Where is the something better? Next. Next. Next... Something about that is more preferable than sitting in silence. Sitting Still.
Yet something inside all of us longs for that Stillness. Geneen Roth calls it "you without the story of you". It's the "you" before you began to see yourself defined by various opinions and perceptions of others. In the book she suggests that we connect to the Stillness not by learning something new or by "fixing" ourselves to become more "perfect". But instead by remembering who we were before. There was a day when a caterpillar could fill you with wonder, when a snow cone could make your day. You didn't need a specific reason to be happy. And the idea that you were enough was naturally assumed.
We'd love to see your images today... the ones that make you remember.