The Only Time She Didn't Smile

These are the things that wreck you in Africa:

How the gift of your presence matters more than a thousand hours of "helping" and then some.

How the fact that you came is the real ground for transformation and repair.

How the reality of your imminent departure is registered with such genuine grief, you feel part machine, half human--for your inability to take it in.

We have no cultural equivalent for this level of transparency or kindness.  There is no way to absorb it other than to try to sit still and let it sink in.  To be together makes a difference.  To be close to one another generates a rare kind of hope.  To travel a long distance to see what matters to you here is a particular magic.

Even now after so many years of being with former refugees, political asylees and immigrants from all over the world, I meet all this with a blank stare.

You're sad, because we are leaving?  It matters because we were here?  I thought you'd love or hate me for what I did or didn't do.

Why is it so hard to believe that any of this makes a difference?  Why is it a small form of torture for us to let go of doing, good deeds, projects, so the wave of emotion can wash over us both?

We stand by the van, not sure what to do with our arms as you extend yours from heart to sky as we drive away.  At the last possible second we wave back--the goodness of the grief you model persuading us that presence matters.  This is how we begin to learn that the biggest gift we bring is not our goods or our services or even our ideas but our own selves--no matter how flawed or blind we are to what is most hopeful, to that which is most true.

Comments

[Monica]

It's true. I've never really thought it through, but this is exactly how it feels .... thank you.

[Wanda]

Stunning.

[Erin Wilson]

Just getting my head around this...

[liz elayne]

thank you for this beauty, this truth.

[Alyssa]

Yes. I'm loving your writing, Jen, you're really bringing down the words for feelings that are near impossible to elaborate on. THANKS.

[patty]

i feel the crushing ache in my heart as i read these well-crafted words... like the wringing of a washcloth. "...persuading us that presence matters" we can apply this to everything in life-not only to this beautiful woman, but to eating lunch with our children, or making eye-contact and being present in conversation with our spouse. love this post. love this photo. the beautiful color of her skin against that green... sigh.

[Jennifer]

oh this is so very true. it is our raw, open selves that is the most valuable to each other. it is with that we comfort, bring hope, and open a world of possiblity to others. it is the love in our hearts that pours out and the kindness in our eyes that lets others know they are not alone. it is ourselves that is a precious valuable gift

[Volker]

Hi! Google gerade im Web und bin auf dieser Homepage gelandet.
Respekt, haben Sie toll gemacht.
Ich wünsche Ihnen weiterhin viel Erfolg mit Ihre Seite und natürlich viele Besucher.
Hier habe ich mich sehr wohl gefühlt und werde wieder hierher zurückkommen.
Freue mich auf einen Gegenbesuch auf meiner Homepage