documenting me

It’s a shame most photo sessions begin with what is essentially a meeting of strangers. Doors open to reveal unfamiliar faces. Perfunctory dialogue about the weather or traffic fills the apprehensive space. We comment on outfits, and “backgrounds”. We ask about due dates and commute times. Then, as we progress beyond niceties, a few lovely unguarded moments bloom through the soil of polite conversation. Those are the moments we wait for. Gifts.

Some people are easily relaxed, while others remain nervous and uneasy. Me? I’m in the latter group. After fifteen years of shooting, I’m completely at home behind the camera. Like most photographers, I don’t think of it as a mechanism as much as I do an extension of my hand, my eyes, my self. But I’m filled with fear as soon as its aim is set toward me. Fear for what I might see. Fear for who might be staring back? Do I like her? Can I accept her? Will that girl trapped in the back of the viewfinder make me want to run away? To hide? Am I really enough just as I am? Carrying twenty extra pounds, with a space between my teeth, wrinkles and a five year old pregnancy mask... 

Am I worth documenting? 

Because if someone were to ask me this question, my answer would wholeheartedly and unequivocally be YES! I’ve devoted my life to it. And it’s this notion that’s at the forefront of my mind during every shoot. Behind the niceties, I’m thinking, “Don’t worry, I will take care of you. Your face, your body, your intimate moments and your vulnerabilities are safe with me.” And so the question becomes, is my face, my body, and are my vulnerabilities safe with me? 

These thoughts came as a result of being mesmerized by Stephanie’s phone-tography, and Rachel’s self portrait project. They both inspired me to create my own, despite the voices about how indulgent it felt, or about how I don't need another project. Sometimes blogging can become about other opinions. So I've made an effort to post images which are truly significant to me, regardless of their photographic value. Because photos are blogged straight from my phone, it of course means no editing, no fixing, no hiding. It's been a daily exercise in accepting what is, and making peace with imperfection. I've only been doing it for a short time, but have already found it to be therapeutic. 

What about you? Do you enjoy photographing yourself, or is it difficult? We'd love to hear your thoughts, and see your images.

Comments

[Jo lincolne]

Oh honey, yes..... Because it 's what "is"..... and (as I tell soooooo many of my mums I photograph) because you /we are perfect and ENOUGH for our kids and we are leaving this legacy for them..... They deserve us and memories of us -as we ARE!!!! Yay for you!!!!

[Marianne LoMonaco]

Over time it's getting easier. Also necessary when I want to learn more about lighting and don't want to make someone suffer though the process with me. It's nice seeing my more mature face still looking good, it's a great record of time passing. I'm happy to have these images. I'm very easy to work with too, hah. So over all it's a positive experience.

This is me this week.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mariannelomonaco/4860388332/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mariannelomonaco/4850371604/

[AmyC]

I must say I am uncomfortable with taking pictures of myself. But I've recently decided to start doing it regularly or else my kids may never remember what I look like! What if something happened to me and they had only 1 or 2 pictures of me? Sad to think about. I have to get rid of my self image issues and move one. My kids (and myself) deserve to have mementos and photos of me!

[Meg]

Difficult, but I'll do it if the light is right :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/teaandbrie/4857873612/

[Nat]

It's been almost half a year since my 365 of self portraits wrapped up. Surprisingly enough I miss it. I hated it at first. Editing photos of yourself is hard, doing it more frequently than just a family shoot is een harder. It forced me to look at all the parts of me, even the worst ones and be accepting of all of it. It's a tough project but oh so worth it. www.flickr.com/photos/natashaleigh

[Kathleen Prutting]

I've done some self portraits too and have felt the same insecurities in front of the lens. I've also questioned my own ego when taking those photos. I have a short post about it on my photo blog. Hope you like it.

http://swallowinglight.blogspot.com/

[Jen at Cabin Fever]

I absolutely LOVE photographing myself, but I don't do it often. Why? Well because I am too critical on myself and the photographic composition of the photo. Honestly I really prefer to have other people take my photo, but the problem is I am the one stuck behind the camera. If I wasn't taking photos of everyone else no one else around me would take photos at all!

http://www.cabinfeververmont.com

http://www.nekphotography.blogspot.com

[Marcie]

Both your words and self-portrait images are truly inspiring. I - too - cringe whenever in front of the lens..but behind it - I am totally alive. T'woud be an excellent project to turn the camera on myself...as scarey as that thought may be. Thank-you for this!

[Kelly]

I'm the only person I trust to take my picture. There's something about being alone with the camera that lets me loosen up. If a person turns a camera in my direction, I freeze up. That frozen-ness makes every picture taken by someone else so awkward I can barely stand it. Therefore, I hate my wedding photos!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kellysoji/4829149946

[Elizabeth Crocker]

Back & forth on this question, depending on the day. I often regret that I am not in more shots of family gatherings and events in which I am a participant (I am always behind the camera there too), but when I try to make up for it at home I find myself uninspired and unmotivated. Occasionally I am happy with what I get of myself & when I share it I suddenly start feeling overly narcissistic. I am an identical twin, so identity has always been a small issue, & yes, that makes a difference in how I think about photographing myself.

[jakki]

A wonderfully insightful idea to do..even if I wouldnt be comfortable in sharing it...i am NEVER comfortable on the other side of the lens...is my belly fat showing? How about those other chins...can they tell that YES i am smiling...urgh

But when I am doing the self portraits...I know what is my best angle, best lighting, best setting...and i'm at least a LITTLE bit okay with how the photo turns out not all the time but sometimes.

[Lu]

Self portraits is how I fell in love with photographing people. Yes, they are revealing, but you can also hide things behind your eyes. I have started shooting more with my iPhone and this has been an experience for sure. Even still, I love it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ldb/4853019283/

I have a whole self-portrait set on Flickr. If you can not appreciate you and celebrate yourself, how can you celebrate anyone else?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ldb/sets/72057594120121854/

[Elizabeth Barrett]

Ah, I have done the same with words and pictures. I am a writer who is currently posting a story online at www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com. It's a fun, dangerous read that veers from familiar to fantasy for at home moms, so it's a form of self-portrait for me. I hope you will take a peek.

I also studied art history and spent the last year taking self-portraits of face and body with my iphone (an instructment of self-discovery, I call it). I organized the photos into one of those books they offer through Apple and had two sent to me. Fearless and 42, I titled it. It's a strange and fabulous experience to see yourself through the lens - how others see you, but you rarely see yourself. Everyone should do what you've suggested. Love your photos.

[Jayne Bramley]

I never like the photos other people take of me because I am posing for those pictures with the obligatory smile. when I turn the lens on myself and I am in control I don't have to pretend or hide, I can allow emotion to creep in....I can be myself.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/14261878@N08/4661632745/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/14261878@N08/4531056665/

[amy z]

I am at home behind the lens. I am on another (evil, strange, scary, tortuous) planet when I am having my picture taken. I hate it. I can't even tell you how much I hate it, I hate it that much.

Mostly because when I look at the taken photographs, I look nothing like how I think I look, and it's mortifying. Are my thighs really that big? Is my hair really that frizzy? Why didn't anyone tell me my mascara had taken up residence under my eyes, migrating south from my lashes?

I try to tell myself that it's all okay, that I'm okay. The mascara went south because I had just laughed so hard my belly hurt and tears ran from my eyes. That's a good memory, no? But all I can think about is that I look like an idiot, frozen in time, forever.

I'd much rather stay in my self-deluded cocoon, where I'm relatively happy with what I think I look like and there isn't physical proof to the contrary. (I do pose for photographs with my daughter, but it's a sacrifice for me and only because I want her to remember what I looked like. The ratio of daddy/daughter photographs to mommy/daughter photographs is heavily skewed towards the former, though.)

Perhaps if I force myself to take self-portraits on a regular basis, I will become more accustomed to it and won't be so self-critical. Food for thought. Even though the mere thought makes my palms sweat with anxiety.

[Sarah]

When I started taking pictures..I mean really taking pictures..it was very hard for me. I am not really photogenic. Last Halloween an art group I am in offered a challenge..dress up and show a pic of you. Well..that got my creative juices flowing. I have worked hard to find a few shots of myself that I like..even doing videos in the ecourse I teach. I will say now..I am ok with shots of me :)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cottagegardenstudios/4012337058/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cottagegardenstudios/4341228183/in/photostream/

[Juju]

I'm with Kelly and some of the others on this. I dislike having others take my portrait, but I don't mind doing it myself. I KNOW that I'll be on the lookout for the unfortunate poses, the distortions, the poor lighting that makes me look like a Martian, but other photographers? Who knows WHAT they're doing?

OTOH, as I get older (57 on my last birthday), I'm less and less reticent about allowing others to see photos of me, though I still favor the ones that I've taken. Two reasons:
1. This is who I am now. If I don't document myself, who will? Some half-fledged yahoo with a point-and-shoot? I don't think so! If my life is going to be documented--and I believe it should be--I'm going to be in charge of it.

2. That whole those-who-mind-don't-matter-and-those-who-matter-don't-mind thing. If people don't like how I look, what do I care? The people who love me just want to see my face BECAUSE they love me--which is the same way I feel about them. They don't care about the hips that look larger than life or the complexion that is singularly not peaches-and-cream. It's interesting that my sister-in-law and I came to this conclusion about the same time in our lives.

To repurpose an old song, "Let your freak flag fly!" That is, love yourself for who you are right now. And, in our case, let your camera show it.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/juju-b/4521848064/

[Brooke]

I agree with you. But since I've been donning my kahuna, I hate having my picture taken. And I make the dumbest faces - I have to fake laugh to have even the smallest smile. But self-portraits are something I'm getting more into. I like the idea of creating something I thought of and featuring yours truly. Set with the challenge of photographing "change", this is what I captured: http://www.flickr.com/photos/shutterboo502/4556391882/in/set-72157623842738642/

[Wayfaring Wanderer]

It's sad to say, but I've probably only taken one self-portrait of myself. I find it hard to be in front of the camera sometimes. This is something that I know needs remedying, though. I've thought about doing it as a way of practicing portraits and locations to make it easier on myself. We'll see...

~WW

[Jeanette]

Taking a selfy pee is the only way I get profile photos and avatars ;) so I tend to do them just as I get a haircut so that I look half decent

[Kat]

I just wrote about this as part of my blog post today, before reading this site! I find it difficult to look at pictures of me, whether they are self portraits or by someone else. I see everything I think of as flaws in those pictures, instead of the good. But the one I posted today (you have to scroll down the page a bit at the link below), I actually like. I think it's because it's a reflection in the glass door, I can't see all of those pesky details, but I can see it's me and elements of where I am personally (my clothes) and physically (the place around me) that somehow shows the true inner me in a way that other self-portraits I've taken haven't. So I suggest trying a reflection in some surface. :) Worked for me.
http://www.kateyeview.com

Thanks for reminding us that we are worthy of the documentation, like all of those we love around us.

[traceyclark]

i love this post so much Maile! thank you! and how perfect to share our own faces this month as we celebrate faces. you are beautiful Maile as are these images. I just adore you.

[Patty Reiser]

It can be rather difficult taking photographs of yourself. You can easily get over the technical hurdles, but the emotional ones are not so easy. Last December I came across this Photography Scholarship offered by Photographer Me Ra Koh. You had to submit a creative video as part of your application. I don't do video since I am very aware of my weight.
I opted to do a series of self portraits to create my video. This was not an easy thing to do either. Once I got comfortable with my self portraits, I found it challenging to come up with creative ideas. Although I did not win one of the three scholarships, this exercise got me to come out of my shell and discover new strengths inside me. I also gained many new friendships with other photographers who entered. We are still supporting one another today.

You can view my submission here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hXWM5Gc6y0

Celebrate Life and Capture It!
Patty

[Vanessa]

i've been playing with SPs for a few years now but there are still so many layers to unwrap...

my two favourite SP flickr groups:
http://www.flickr.com/groups/selfportraitchallenge/
http://www.flickr.com/groups/1413701@N20/

[cynthia]

Thanks for the inspiration. You post today motivated me to take a self-portrait.

http://apictureintime.wordpress.com/2010/08/05/self-portrait/

[Suki]

Memories in my past did not make it easy for me to accept me the way I am. With all the insecurities which I thought were failures. With all the places where I thought my body, a shape that reflects me, is not beautiful enough.
I did quite a few self-portraits during my 365 journey and it helped me to develop a healty opinion of my body and my
personality. I am lovely they way I am. The places where my body, the shape that reflects my soul, is beautiful blessed with imperfection is what makes my body exactly shaped for me.
It is created for me and I am learning to love it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/suki_fotografiert/sets/72157623197110452/

[Stephanie]

I used to feel self-conscious doing self-portraits, not because I'm uncomfortable in front of the camera but because I felt like it was a self-centered thing to do. I've slowly come to terms with the beauty in self-portraiture and even created a set on Flickr for the pics! http://www.flickr.com/photos/stephaniecourt/sets/72157624262368017/

My favorites, though, are photos where I capture my image without making my image the focus of the photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/stephaniecourt/4864721984/

[georgia]

this may sound vain, but i wish i had been into photography and knew about the whole art of self-portraits with photography back when i had a better view of myself physically. i feel i am not aging gracefully, especially in my eyes. so i have been hiding behind the camera very much.

i used to like having my picture taken... well, only for a short window... from about age 25 to about age 35. before that, i was very insecure about my looks and how i turned out in photos, and after that too.

but maybe it is a good thing i have a less than ideal view of myself in photos... that way, my self-portraits will not be for the wrong reasons. here are my most recent selfies... taken different days, but in the same unromantic, unglamorous location... behind my house. just the raw me... whether i like it or not:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/28567264@N05/4829673666/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/28567264@N05/4631175100

i took these for the same reason... to document myself along the way -- in this second half of my fourth decade where i am finding i struggle with how i see my outward physical self, while i do some self-searching inwardly.

[AnnGeeDee]

I am mostly frustrated when it comes to self portraits. I'm not terribly camera shy, though I have my own bag of insecurities. Mainly it just seems like work to haul out the tripod and race back and forth from the photo spot to the back of the camera to see if I got what I wanted. I never seem to get the focus right, I end up with the remote very noticeable in my picture, I'm making an odd face - etc., etc... But I agree with a few of the others that I don't want to be absent from the story that's happening around me. It important (and not vain) to capture myself as well. Here's one from my point and shoot while waiting at a stoplight: http://www.flickr.com/photos/40070449@N08/4645979131/

[elk]

think if i sneak in late ..no one will look...why is it so difficult?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sammymom/4865133492/

[soupatraveler]

i just started playing around with self-portraits a couple of months ago. at first it was akward and i was uncomfortable. it just didn't look like me. but what did I really look like? not that serious looking woman on "film" which doesn't lie. it certainly didn't capture the essence of me. but now that i've started to relax, ease into my skin, the seriousness is fading away, there are more smiles, i'm having fun. i'm happier with my image, and interestingly enough, i'm starting to exercise more, eat a little healthier, and feel not just emotionally stronger, but physically as well. here's my latest selfie that i took for the 52 weeks of BAM:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/46922592@N00/4847424976/

[Amanda]

I don't usually mind taking my own photo altho like most, I'm way too critical of myself. I can take 50 photos and get only one that I really like. Good practice tho!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/amandaleee/2972128621/

[gina]

I did it .... scary but I did it and linked you here http://ramblingonandon-gina.blogspot.com/2010/08/bravery.html

[cheap jerseys]

hey,you have posted such a effectful article that it will certainly help me

[kristin]

first of all
hi beautiful you! :))

i have a love hate with SP's. i love what i see at the same time i feel myself pulling it apart. i try to just sit with the shots awhile then let them go. breathing them in and out for what they are a moment of me captured. every line telling a story, my story, and you just canlt go on hating that.... xo!