the hard work

DOUBT.  It isn't something we talk about too often. Being or pursuing the artistic side of us opens up amazing things—beautiful things—but it also leaves us vulnerable; vulnerable to little voices of doubt inside ourselves. I didn't imagine these things could exist in tandem with the joy of doing what I love.

Seven years ago my son was born, and not too long after that I decided that working in an office, doing what I did and DREAMING about being an artist was no longer good enough for me.  How could I raise my son to do what he loved, when I didn’t do what I loved? Imagine my surprise when I embraced the life of an artist (the glamorous, amazingly creative life of an artist) with open arms and a full heart and started to feel as if the more I learned and grew, the larger that hole became inside of me. I had imagined myself as an artist with bluebirds singing around her head and a trail of creativity sprouting whenever, wherever her feet touched the ground and in reality, it wasn't like that at all.

Don't get me wrong, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I feel like the whole world opens up to me daily and doing what I love feels much like meeting the man I love 16 years ago; amazingly breathtaking.

But that doesn't mean it isn't hard work.  Or that it doesn't open other doors.  The hard work isn't just running a business (which I feel is a creative amazingly rewarding thing despite the hard work) and it isn't just struggling to balance bills or the two full time jobs I worked for three years while I grew my business enough to financially support my family.  The hard work is constantly pulling something truthful out of myself. The ebb and the flow of an artist’s mind is tricky I'm discovering.  The true hard work is within myself.  There may be artists who only experience confidence, who never doubt themselves, who don't look at other peoples work and feel themselves shrinking next to such brilliance, but I have never met them; not in person, not in real life.

The thing I think so many of us experience, and so few of us talk about the feeling of giving up completely. I feel that way a lot actually. Daily…maybe? However, the thing I have learned since my artistic-self sprouted from the pupa where she lay for many years, the thing I do when I feel the self-doubt or the aversion to create for fear of not being good enough, is to just ignore it. I figure being miserable and still doing what I love and doing what my heart tells me to do is much better than being miserable and doing nothing. I think, if you boil it down, that is what courage really is. It’s not facing the world head on, it's pushing through your own self-created horrors and deciding you aren't going to let the darkness control you.

So every day I take some breaths, I take my camera (or my pen or my computer or my voice or my love) and I create.  I hear the doubt that sometimes tries to stop me, I shake it off and I create until I make something that makes my heart sing, and then, simply, I try to do it again.  Because it is either that or give in to the fear, and I have decided that fear isn't going to win.  Love is, art is, joy is, creation is.

I photograph my way through these "doubt times", accept them, ignore them and shoot right on past them.  That's what works for me.  What works for you? How do you deal with your fears and keep moving on?

Photo and words courtesy of guest blogger, fine art photographer Melissa Squires of A Girl in Love Photography.

Comments

[Kat]

Fabulous, wonderful, truthful words. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I imagine it will resonate with many people as it did with me. I have feelings of doubt often, but have learned to push past it. The feelings don't go away immediately, but I've discovered that they are only there to stop me from risking anything. But you have to risk something, to create a life that you love. Here's a post I wrote, as I was feeling doubts. I didn't write it about those feelings specifically, but the way I cope with it. Keep taking a step, in the right direction, and eventually you move through the doubts and the fog to clarity.
http://www.kateyeview.com/2010/12/into-unknown.html

[Marcie]

You've spoken beauty and truth and 'art' here. Doubt and fear - are sometimes my best friends. Always by my side. Never letting me go. The best way I know how to deal with them is to simply embrace and accept...and know that they're there for a reason. They're my teachers and guides....and they push me each and every day to push thru to the other side. To look 'doubt' in the eye..and to create:
http://www.marciescudderphotography.com/home/2011/2/19/underlined.html

[Sheila Cain-Sample]

I can so relate to what you said in you post, I feel this doubt almost daily and it can be all consuming as well, it can really interfere with your creativity if you begin to let it take hold of you. As artists we live a very solitary life, at least I do, the work is on you and you alone. In this you have no one to encourage you...we all need validation at some point. What I have done to keep this monster at bay is form a small group with a few other artists and they become my sounding board etc. and as you said I refuse to let this doubt monster over take me. I use positive reinforcements to put myself in a better frame of mind...'I'm a good artist, I create beautiful things, I am happy being the artist I am.' and forget all the rest. Thanks so much for this post, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

[Eden]

I try to get back in. "student" mode as fast as possible! I've got so much to learn and luckily a lot of interests and usually the student in me can find something to get fired up about again.....it's all about learning and passion for me these days, too many outstanding people out there for me to compare myself to, and it's just not worth it.....when u said being miserable and doing nothing is spot on! Where's the fun in that?

[C Blore]

Such truthful words have never been spoken and resonated strongly with me today. 10 years ago I stepped out to make that transition from indoor drone to work from home and it set me free.

The ebb and flow something I was more than prepared for ...or so I thought. After many years I'd finally established myself enough to support my family...could it get any better than this? Then the ebb hit and it's hung around for 3 years.

I was now faced with the decision of letting something go that I worked so hard to build and the prospect terrifies me...or at least I think it does.

Last summer as I ended up with more free time then I'd had in years, I picked up my camera to keep me busy and pleasantly surprised myself. I discovered a passion for other types of photography, for other types of subjects. For the first time in years I was shooting for me.

The decision to "give up" changed to maybe a change of focus. I grabbed at the idea like a life-ring and it truly 'saved' me. Now I find myself thrilled at heading out into the great outdoors to see what I can capture.

Trudging through mosquito infested swamps in 35'C heat excites me. Waking up to a winter wonderland often sends me running out to my car in pajamas's and flip flops. My neighbors think I'm weird and I've never been happier in my whole life.

Here's a favourite photo from a recent foggy, frosty day. There's something about solitary objects in winter that pull me in...could be the cold, could be the symbolism. I try not to over-think it. :)

http://winnipegweddingphotographybycoral.blogspot.com/2011/02/hoar-frost-and-fog.html

[Sarah]

What a wonderful post! I recently transitioned from the world of medicine, and made my lifelong hobby of photography my business. Medicine is very methodical and there are so many rules and facts to memorize, which, in a way, is very soothing and safe. Your talents are re-affirmed by good grades in medical school or saving the life of your patient. However, art is not so cut and dry. It is extremely personal and what one person loves another does not. Whenever I begin to doubt myself or compare my work to others, I go into student-mode and hit the books on how to better utilize light, etc. There are going to be many people out there better than I due to their experience and training, and that pushes me to learn more. As Marcie said, "[doubt and fear] are my teachers and guides". I have a life now, and while the pay may not be as much as in medicine, the reward of spending time with my family, friends, and working with my passion are way more than money can buy.

[Dorean Beattie]

Wow. I thought I was the only one...

[Kath]

Yes. Yes. Yes. This is perfect inspiration. Today I will do it until it feels right, thank you

[Catherine]

Thanks for the gentle reminder about the ever-present conundrum of doubt embedded in what we love. Some days, ignorance is the closest to bliss I get; other days, I challenge the doubt head on and create my way through it.

[vicky slater]

With you all the way, Melissa!

[Holly Rutt]

How refreshing to hear another young indie business woman confess to her humanity. I feel so intimidated all the time by other peoples genius. Like how can I possibly keep up with all of this innovation and creativity. When I am thinking like this it is like I have created an imaginary competition in which every time someone else is wonderfully artistic I become smaller and more full of self doubt which is disabling and creates a terrible cycle.

There is and Ani Defranco line "All of this was just someones idea it could just as well have been mine" I try to remember that and listen to more music in general it changes my thoughts back in my favor or just drowns them out all together and fuels my imagination to create again.

Thanks Melissa!

[georgia]

really needed to read this today. with a baby on the way in june {my first} and being forced out of a "regular day job" that i had been doing for 18 years because of layoffs and outsourcing, i have been propelled into a state of having to reinvent myself. and it scares me so much! i'm not a professional photographer, nor do i think i am yet skilled enough to be one. but i would so love to be one some day. and i am my own worst obstacle in getting to that point. so thanks for the encouragement... and like a previous commenter said... confessing to your humanity.

i just checked out your work on your web sit. truly beautiful and creative work! so inspired!

[meredith winn]

yes!! "that is what courage really is. It’s not facing the world head on, it's pushing through your own self-created horrors and deciding you aren't going to let the darkness control you."

[Jessica W.]

As a girl who just quit doing her "scrapbook" blog to concentrate on learning more about photography and feeling sometimes like I will never be as good as "That Photographer" I can relate. The thing I keep telling myself is that I'm learning and I'm actively taking a part to change the course of my future to doing something i love. This means hard work, and it means letting go of a lot of the doubts(which I definitely have) but I know that in the end it will be worth it. All this hard work, and studying and learning technicals will allow me to be confident with my equipment, therefore freeing my mind up to be more creative with my work...I'm so excited for the journey ahead, and I am honestly always so inspired by this site and love it as a reference and as a source of inspiration!!

[Photographer Aspen CO]

I feel exactly the way you do. I doubt myself all the time, although I think it's probably human nature to do this. I would never give up my art of photography though, because it's who I am, what I love to do. You keep doing your art and your life will be fulfilling. Thanks for posting. Karen

[Katy]

Thank you! Thank you! I too have fear & doubt with me all day. I started doing photography just for myself a couple of years ago & now have friends who want to use my pictures for many things & it scares the hell out of me! I sometimes get so scared and discouraged that it absolutely paralizes me. Today, after reading your post, I made myself get outside & try to get out of my own head. Of course, 10 minutes into it all, here they come, doubt & fear! I started wondering if I was doing the right thing, putting myself out there in the big world & wondering why my pictures aren't looked at sometimes. And then I start to think of just giving up, there are so many, many more creative amazing artists out there. I sat down and had a little cry & pushed through it all. I'm doing this for ME. No one else. It ended up being one of the best days ever!

[Jen]

well said, thank you...

[removeyourlenscap]

"...just ignore it." that's what i'm learning (trying) to do right now. thanks for the great article.

[Holly]

LOVE this, Melissa. So beautifully articulated and so right on. Amen, sistah! ;-)

[snippets of thyme]

So far, my only audience is my family. That is a particularly interesting audience when they are teens (my hubbie could fall into that bunch too on any given day...smile) I have only very recently discovered I have a passion to photograph. I have been continuously looking for approval from my rather distracted family. Finally, it was on someone's blog out there that I read an essay. The message was to do what pleased myself and don't even seek approval. That hit home for me. I working on it. Your message tonight also really helped. We'll get there!!

[Jessica]

If such wonderful photographers say this about themselves, then I don't feel so bad. I am still learning, but would love to get good enough to make photography a full-time job. Doubt is definitely holding me back at this point.

[Juliana Crespo]

Oh, I understand so well what you write about here. I am a newly single mama, an aspiring writer, a dreamer at heart. I want so much from the world, and I am just know learning how to ask for what I want, and also learning how to receive what I want from the world. But it takes faith and trust, which has been difficult for me to practice at times.

If anything though, what I do know is this: we have to baby our fears. We have to acknowledge them. Show them love the same way we show our children love when they are afraid. We have to love all parts of ourselves. This helps us to move on without suppressing, if this makes any sense. This helps us to let go.

Anyway, thank you for this, fellow artist.

Your work is lovely, lovely, lovely, by the way.

xoxoxo

[A Sanedrin]

While reading this, it reminded me of days when I took an art class and I would struggle and suffer to put a painting together for the assignment and then my stomach would drop when I walked into class and see everybody else's work. No doubt, some of the other students were gifted and just blew me away! But at the same time, I knew the hard work behind my piece and assumed that it came so easy for the others. Even when my painting was exhibited at the museum (honorable mention in a city-wide contest), it didn't feel like it belonged there to me, hanging on the wall for everyone to see.

http://allansanedrinphotography.blogspot.com/2011/02/fortune-cookie.html#comments

[Silvia]

Thank you so much for a beautiful and oh so relevant post, it was just what i needed to read today actually - thank you for the reminder that i'm not the only one battling with self doubt, especially when making art is hard or when i compare myself to others. i am starting to see that the only way through is to accept the doubt and fear as part and parcel of the creative life and process, and to carry on even when they're shouting loudly. It seems like they never really go away so i guess we have to find a way to live with them and still create. Thanks again, so much. x

[Shannon Jones]

This really really hit home with me. I have been struggling lately with my "identity". I so want to have my own photography business. Have actually had sort of one in the past. But burnt myself out on editing. I am trying to better myself more "in Camera" and to be able to work more efficently in Photoshop. I actually just got Lightroom and am hoping that all of the "Photographers" out there saying it speeds up their workflow will work for me.
I don't ever see me being one that can sell a CD of my images for $1000+ because of the market I live in. But to be able to come out in the black and not the red with my time, would be alright by me as long as we have a roof over our head, food on the table and electricity to keep us warm.
I am so full of self-doubt though. I am my worst enemy. Not only full of self doubt on my part but constantly looking for approval from others, which I never get from my family. Or at least I feel that way. All I want to here, is those are great, you did a great job! Is that so hard?!

[lifeisart]

LOVED reading this today. was sooo close to a conversation i had with a good friend just this morning. i especially loved your definition of courage.

thanks for sharing!

[cindy]

i loved this post, especially 'pulling something truthful out of myself' and ignoring the doubt and fears of inadequacy. thank you so much for sharing your journey.

[Through the Lens of Kimberly Gauthier, Photog Blog]

I remind myself I don't have to get to the end of my road today or tomorrow. I have plenty of time, which I do. Once I got this I stopped stressing myself out.

[TJ]

I think photographers struggle with doubt more than we would like to admit. When it comes in like a flood we need to be motivated by it. In doing so, doors open, washing it all away. Lord give me the confidence to rise above it and kick DOUBT in the pants!!!