the hard work
Sunday, February 20, 2011 by Guest Shutter Sister 
DOUBT. It isn't something we talk about too often. Being or pursuing the artistic side of us opens up amazing things—beautiful things—but it also leaves us vulnerable; vulnerable to little voices of doubt inside ourselves. I didn't imagine these things could exist in tandem with the joy of doing what I love.
Seven years ago my son was born, and not too long after that I decided that working in an office, doing what I did and DREAMING about being an artist was no longer good enough for me. How could I raise my son to do what he loved, when I didn’t do what I loved? Imagine my surprise when I embraced the life of an artist (the glamorous, amazingly creative life of an artist) with open arms and a full heart and started to feel as if the more I learned and grew, the larger that hole became inside of me. I had imagined myself as an artist with bluebirds singing around her head and a trail of creativity sprouting whenever, wherever her feet touched the ground and in reality, it wasn't like that at all.
Don't get me wrong, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I feel like the whole world opens up to me daily and doing what I love feels much like meeting the man I love 16 years ago; amazingly breathtaking.
But that doesn't mean it isn't hard work. Or that it doesn't open other doors. The hard work isn't just running a business (which I feel is a creative amazingly rewarding thing despite the hard work) and it isn't just struggling to balance bills or the two full time jobs I worked for three years while I grew my business enough to financially support my family. The hard work is constantly pulling something truthful out of myself. The ebb and the flow of an artist’s mind is tricky I'm discovering. The true hard work is within myself. There may be artists who only experience confidence, who never doubt themselves, who don't look at other peoples work and feel themselves shrinking next to such brilliance, but I have never met them; not in person, not in real life.
The thing I think so many of us experience, and so few of us talk about the feeling of giving up completely. I feel that way a lot actually. Daily…maybe? However, the thing I have learned since my artistic-self sprouted from the pupa where she lay for many years, the thing I do when I feel the self-doubt or the aversion to create for fear of not being good enough, is to just ignore it. I figure being miserable and still doing what I love and doing what my heart tells me to do is much better than being miserable and doing nothing. I think, if you boil it down, that is what courage really is. It’s not facing the world head on, it's pushing through your own self-created horrors and deciding you aren't going to let the darkness control you.
So every day I take some breaths, I take my camera (or my pen or my computer or my voice or my love) and I create. I hear the doubt that sometimes tries to stop me, I shake it off and I create until I make something that makes my heart sing, and then, simply, I try to do it again. Because it is either that or give in to the fear, and I have decided that fear isn't going to win. Love is, art is, joy is, creation is.
I photograph my way through these "doubt times", accept them, ignore them and shoot right on past them. That's what works for me. What works for you? How do you deal with your fears and keep moving on?
Photo and words courtesy of guest blogger, fine art photographer Melissa Squires of A Girl in Love Photography.
