My Home

We're thrilled to welcome today's guest post from 16-year-old Suzanna Hodges, budding photographer and niece of Shutter Sister Stephanie Roberts.

Hand-me-down cheerleading uniforms from the nineties craftily adjusted with safety pins. Late night milkshake runs and relished school night sleepovers. Playing online solitaire on outdated computers in Technology class. Rubbery chicken nuggets and soggy french fries. A reserved table at Waffle House where hot chocolate and raisin toast are passed from person to person. Sitting on the roof with my three best friends and sharing our biggest secrets and dreams about the future. Dissecting frogs in Chemistry and gossip sessions in the girls' bathroom about the cute new basketball coach. Packing a car full of girls in a vehicle driven by a newly licensed driver heading to celebrate. Being in a class full of the people you finger-painted with, the people you solved long division with, and the people with whom you will graduate.

I am a high school student who has anticipated leaving the mold of my small town since seventh grade. I’m just a girl who has dreamt of finally meeting new friends.  A girl who is tired of the close-minded views and too conservative values of my southern town. I am the girl who has always been a little different from the rest of my classmates who plan to attend a close-to-home college and come right back home when they are finished. I’m the girl who gets crazy looks from my peers when I share my love for the city, my dreams of traveling, or my tolerance for certain practices or beliefs. I’m the strange girl who loves to write and take pictures – expressing my angst of growing up and capturing the essence of the life around me.

But I am also a high school student who is beginning to realize that the longing I have had since early adolescence is slowly being replaced by dread. Dread of leaving my Mama's reassuring arms and my Daddy's protective gaze. Dread of stepping outside my sheltered neighborhood and the tendencies of leaving back doors unlocked and windows cracked open. Dread of never again walking down the halls of the school that has guided me through every year of my life since kindergarten. Dread of leaving the overshadowed charm, class, and hospitality of a town I truly love. Dread of never seeing some of my twenty-six classmates after they don their caps and gowns and head out on their own paths into the future. Dread that is making me realize some of the same factors that push me to leave so badly are the same ones that call me to come right back home.

High school... sometimes it's all I can do to stop myself from packing my bags and leaving everything behind me. But whether I like to admit it or not, high school and my life here are a very big part of who I am. A part of me that I love with all my heart…

a part of me that will always be home.

* * *

Do you have a young Shutter Sister in your life? Please introduce them to us in the comments so we can get a glimpse of life through their eyes and embrace them in our sisterhood.

what i see when i see myself

"Cadence, tell your mom it's okay for her to have her picture taken sometimes..." (spoken by my wise and dear friend Gabo before I surrendered the camera for this shot)

You never did like having your picture taken. I think that's one of the reasons you became a photographer, so that you can hide behind your camera, so that you could be the one in control of whose photo gets taken and when. Those days are over now because you have fallen into a circle of friends who love to take your camera out of your hands and turn the lens on you for a change, friends who have welcomed and embraced you and gently pried your fingers away from your eyes as they became your mirror, reflecting back to you who you really are.

So tell me. What do you see in yourself, now that the scales have fallen away from your eyes? Yes, I know it's hard to admit, it feels strange to say it, but go ahead. No one's judging you here.

I...am...torn, but mending...hurt, but healing...broken, but being made whole...In fact, I'm strong...fierce, even...full of love...full of joy...full of hope...

Yes, that's a start. Keep going, don't stop now.

I...think I might be...kinda awesome?

You think?! Own it, sister!

OK...I AM pretty flippin' awesome. I have a beauty that is unique and my own. I am worthy of being loved and cherished...I am worthy of being known.

Ah, yes, that's better...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As we start a brand new year, turn your eyes (and your lens) towards yourself. What do you see, when you look deep inside and see yourself as you really are?

a present to yourself

When I submitted a prompt for #reverb10 I crossed my fingers that it would be chosen for the month long project. Little did I know that it would end up being the prompt for Christmas day. I couldn't be more delighted! I can think of no better way to celebrate this time of looking back and looking ahead than to do so through photographs.

Over the last year I have had plenty of pictures taken of me; self-portraits (such as the shot above) as well as images taken by my daughters, and even some taken by Shutter Sisters. With each shot, something more is revealed. I see a clearer picture of  who I am.

The prompt today is specific however. Find a picture taken of youself that best captures you. Either who you are or who you strive to be.

I have found that when you allow your truest self to be seen, really and truly seen, you are set free. There is so much power in that it gives me chills just writing about it. I know this freedom to be true from first hand experience. When Shutter Sister, and dear dear friend, Jen Lemen shot this image of me on one of the most sacred beaches I have walked on, she captured me in a way I have never seen myself before. Every time I look at it, I get goose bumps. Who is this woman? Confident, strong, powerful, true, real. Even though I might not always consider myself in these terms, I've got a photograph to prove that I am all these things and more. It's pictures like these of ourselves that are worth a thousand words.

This prompt isn't an easy one. It might take some time to excavate a shot from the 2010 archives. But, I do hope you spend the time needed to study the pictures of yourself over the past year to see what kind of magic you find. When you do, please share it with us here. Leave a link to your photo and/or post in the comments. On Wednesday, I will pick two winners from the comments. One person will be given a copy of Expressive Photography: A Shutter Sisters Guide to Shooting From the Heart and the other will get a complimentary spot in my next photo-centric e-class Picture Winter, just for playing along.

Thank you #reverb10 for such an inspiring experience this month. It's been amazing.

you in the picture

In the last three years, I've taken over 200,000 photos. Most of these are pictures of my family. My kids, my husband, parents, etc.  I just went back and looked at all of them. Guess how many of these photos have me in them?

Eleven.

I am not making this up. Out of the hundreds of thousands of photos we have of our family from the last three years, my face is in eleven of them. Eleven.

I hate having my picture taken. Since I am the official family photographer, I rarely ever face having to be in the pictures myself. On the rare occasions when someone asks me to get in the photo, I always respectfully refuse to do it. I am quiet about it but also firm. This is how I've successfully managed to avoid being in most of them.

I've learned that many photographers are like me; they prefer to stay behind the camera. For me, the biggest reason is that I have a hard time seeing myself in a picture. When I look at a photo, all I can see is the bulges of fat or the imperfections in my features. I see the blemishes on my face. My too-big nose. My belly. My sunken eyes. Bushy eyebrows. I can go on and on. I don't see the happy mom or the loving wife, I just see a flawed human being.

I don't know how much of this is common across all people and how much of it my low self-esteem but here's what I do know: I need to get over it.

I need to get into the picture more often.

There are many reasons why it's important to take the time and effort to be in more of our photographs. This list might be different for each person but here are some of my reasons:

Posterity
I lost my grandmother last February. One of the first things I did after she passed away was collect all the photos of her I could find. I wanted pictures from all throughout her life from childhood to old age. Those photos were the faces of all my memories of her. They are what brought my thoughts to life and I held them close for a long time. They allowed me to mourn and remember all at the same time. I don't think it's fair to deny that to my children or loved ones. I can't imagine a world where I didn't have any photos of my grandmother. Photos are one of the most significant ways we're remembered. People don't look at how big your nose was,; they're just so happy to have anything of you left to them. So I remind myself that even if I don't want to do it for myself, I owe it to my kids, to my husband, and other people who love me.

Therapy
While it has tangible benefits to others, I think having my picture taken more often is also going to be beneficial to me. Repetition has numbing power. If I just get in the photos all the time no matter how dressed up I might or might not be, I think I will stop seeing all the details of myself in each photo. It will just become the norm that I am in pictures and I will start looking at it the way I look at the other people in the picture. Seeing myself again and again, hugging the people I love, smiling, and being happy is bound to have a positive effect on me eventually. And even if it doesn't, it means I will have hundreds of proofs of my joyful life.

Education
Because I get my photo taken so rarely, I have never experimented with different angles or looks. I don't know if I have a good side. I don't know if it's better for me to lean on one foot or lean forward. I don't know if I should smile with an open mouth or a closed one. Many of these things might seem silly to think about but a lot of being photogenic is about knowing the small details about yourself. Even the most beautiful person can look terrible if the picture is taken from the wrong point of view. So having more photos of myself will give me exposure and opportunity to learn.

Empathy
I take pictures of people all the time. I do professional shoots of families. I take photos of my kids, my husband, my parents and even strangers. I guarantee you that most of these people feel the discomfort of being in front of the lens. As a photographer who never has her own picture taken, it's easy for me to forget how uncomfortable it feels to be in front of the camera. And since I do this as a profession, I think it's important for me to remember that delicate feeling. It will make me a better photographer.

Because of these reasons, and more, I decided that 2011 will be the year when I get in the picture more often. I will create opportunities to make sure it happens. Each month, I will set up our tripod so we can get a full-family shot. I will hand over the camera to my husband. I will learn the intricacies of the self timer and find the best spots to use it in my house. I will experiment with angles and creative shots. I will take enough photos of myself that I can see myself as just another person in the photo. I will do this for myself and for my children. And I won't wait until January.

The holidays are the best time to start such a project because there's a lot of joy and festivity. Also because most people have visitors during the holidays so there are more people to hand over the camera to and more reasons to capture each moment. So, if any of you are like me and tend to avoid being in the picture, I challenge you to get in the photo more this holiday season. Just let go of your worries and embrace the opportunity. Hand over that camera and hug your loved ones. Put on a big smile and say cheese. I am confident you will not regret it.

In the meantime, I would love for you to share the last time you were in front of the lens. If you can't find one, how about you take a photo right now and share it with us?

Image and words courtesy of Guest Blogger / Honorary Sister Karen Grunberg of Karenika.

documenting me

It’s a shame most photo sessions begin with what is essentially a meeting of strangers. Doors open to reveal unfamiliar faces. Perfunctory dialogue about the weather or traffic fills the apprehensive space. We comment on outfits, and “backgrounds”. We ask about due dates and commute times. Then, as we progress beyond niceties, a few lovely unguarded moments bloom through the soil of polite conversation. Those are the moments we wait for. Gifts.

Some people are easily relaxed, while others remain nervous and uneasy. Me? I’m in the latter group. After fifteen years of shooting, I’m completely at home behind the camera. Like most photographers, I don’t think of it as a mechanism as much as I do an extension of my hand, my eyes, my self. But I’m filled with fear as soon as its aim is set toward me. Fear for what I might see. Fear for who might be staring back? Do I like her? Can I accept her? Will that girl trapped in the back of the viewfinder make me want to run away? To hide? Am I really enough just as I am? Carrying twenty extra pounds, with a space between my teeth, wrinkles and a five year old pregnancy mask... 

Am I worth documenting? 

Because if someone were to ask me this question, my answer would wholeheartedly and unequivocally be YES! I’ve devoted my life to it. And it’s this notion that’s at the forefront of my mind during every shoot. Behind the niceties, I’m thinking, “Don’t worry, I will take care of you. Your face, your body, your intimate moments and your vulnerabilities are safe with me.” And so the question becomes, is my face, my body, and are my vulnerabilities safe with me? 

These thoughts came as a result of being mesmerized by Stephanie’s phone-tography, and Rachel’s self portrait project. They both inspired me to create my own, despite the voices about how indulgent it felt, or about how I don't need another project. Sometimes blogging can become about other opinions. So I've made an effort to post images which are truly significant to me, regardless of their photographic value. Because photos are blogged straight from my phone, it of course means no editing, no fixing, no hiding. It's been a daily exercise in accepting what is, and making peace with imperfection. I've only been doing it for a short time, but have already found it to be therapeutic. 

What about you? Do you enjoy photographing yourself, or is it difficult? We'd love to hear your thoughts, and see your images.